Regardless Faith
I wrote only a few hours ago, but here I sit at 3am wide awake with an air type compression on each leg continually inflating and deflating, all the while my mattress compresses up and down for some reason I forget, but it can’t be stopped. And I have to use the restroom about every 20-30 min… Not sure why I can’t sleep LOL….
This post isn’t about me or Asher and I don’t share this to be gloom and doom, I really DO believe in miracles!!! But, more than that I am deeply moved by the REGARDLESS FAITH of brothers and sisters in Christ around me and just felt led to share.
I know many of you won’t have time to read what I share below, but I believe if you do have time, you will be blessed and challenged by the raw faith journey of a man and his wife I’ve been honored to know.
I met Steve when I was a college student in 1992 on an Athletes in Action (AIA) Summer Project in Fort Collins, Colorado. He was an AIA staff member who led us, loved us, and discipled us that summer in preparation to go back to our college campuses and be the light of Jesus on our teams.
Fast forward to 2004, when I went on staff with AIA and moved to Ohio where he and his wife Elizabeth (E) and I were at the AIA Training Center together. I hadn’t met E before, but as soon as I did, we realized we had a sweet mutual connection through my discipler from Syracuse University, Mitzi. Mitzi and E had been on staff with Cru - Here’s Life Inner City after Mitzi left SU and before E met Steve, I believe.
Steve has always believed in me, brought me into a space to lead, and I remember when I saw him in Ohio the summer of 2017 randomly in Chipotle. We got to spend a few minutes talking in line all about life in NYC and Made to Praise, all the while the lunch date he was on was with a dear AIA staffer and friend of his who was dying of brain cancer. The journey God has him has not been easy let’s just say…
Recently I heard that his wife Elizabeth (46 years old and mom of 3) now has a new diagnosis of intestinal cancer after being in remission for the past years. It wasn’t until now that I was able to get to the Caring Bridge Site and see if they had been sharing there journey for prayer. Steve had posted just a few days ago and tonight… Elizabeth, wrote herself too on Dec 23rd.
A JOURNEY OF REGARDLESS FAITH.
For UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN... (from Elizabeth)
Dec 23, 2018
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Thanks to friends and family this year, our Christmas season is about to be off without a hitch. I personally love being out and about in the chaos, this is a year that just wasn't going to swing it. It has been a humbling last 4/5 months. Being forced back to sit and "watch" has put me in such a humble spot. To be honest, I am just thankful to be feeling stronger. Friends and I drove around for 2 hours the other night to look at Christmas light. The holy sprit helped fill me of courage and that was the boost I needed.
All of these bare basics have really helped my get my eyes back on Jesus. Jesus has also helped me refocus on "what I want from the Christmas season" this year. This is where I don't want to go all hyper-spiritual on you all, it's just reality.
We have tried to keep everything as normal as possible. Honestly, we are doing ok with that. But obviously, some things have to give. and in someways that is refreshing.
The kids will be receiving a usual obnoxious bounty of treasure.
As far as me, my people keep asking what I want. In no way trying to be a martyr, I keep telling them there is nothing gift wise that I need, want or desire.
Friends- one thing I feel like I need to let you know is that 25 years ago, I confessed to Jesus my sins. He forgave me and set me free from sin and death, once and for all.
So even during some of this scary, painful, nerve-racking seasons of my life, I can honestly say there is nothing I have left to fear. Jesus' promise to me is that never will He leave me; never will He forsake me.
I’ve had several people comment on my relationship with God. It is amazing, but not something out of your grasp. Please, grab a New Testament and freshly read that God has his right hand extended to you. All you have to do is confess to God is that you are sinful and in need of a savior. Once He swoops you in His hands, its all down hill from there!
To be honest, i have no idea how I would continue this crazy cancer journey with out Jesus by my side. In the past year, Jesus has evaporated nearly every fear of death. That is my greatest Christmas gift. Living fear-free. Keep those prayers coming.
So, all in all, if I can urge you to do one thing, surrender your life to Jesus, find security in your salvation. Ensure to be part of what you were created for.
Thank you for letting me share these personal thought with you. I want nothing more than to be with YOU in heaven, next to Jesus!!!!!
Merry Christmas! Especially soon, where every day is truly Christmas every day.
Love to each one of you guys!
January 3, 2019
Friends and loved ones,
I have been putting this one off as if it feels like it really makes it real but as things have progressed it seems that my bride is going to be with Jesus soon. After several days and nights of sleeplessness, restlessness, pain and nausea along with continual challenges with her ileostomy bag leaking in part due to a yeast infection around it, we re-admitted her to a nearby Hospice facility yesterday. They helped her with her pain and nausea and allowed her to have a great night of sleep for which we are thankful. Contrary to our hopes and prayers, she has not gotten stronger over the past month and her pain and discomfort and nausea has increased along with bloating in her lower abdomen. She had a CT scan Monday and we talked to our oncologist yesterday about it. It showed some signs of growing cancer in her lower abdomen and everything else looked about the same. I was hoping for a significant change in a positive direction. We decided to discontinue chemo for which she was supposed to have another treatment today. Just the mere thought of another treatment caused my girl to burst into tears. She just cannot physically handle it. And we further discussed with our doctor about how much advantage chemo and a trial at OSU might give her. We learned that a positive outcome would be an extension of her life by months while enduring significant treatment symptoms in between not to mention multiple trips to Columbus while she can barely climb our stairs this past month. So we (I) am finally surrendering to this overwhelming reality that is upon us. I have and will still pray for a miraculous healing. I read the gospels and get angry as so many were healed even by just touching the hem of His cloak. I know He can. It just doesn't seem like He will.
Over these past few days and weeks, my bride has endured so much suffering and yet has shined like a star in the darkness. She has moved toward me and our kids and our family and friends and has continued to call upon her God. She keeps saying that she's not afraid to die. I believe her.
I got to share my heart today with several dear friends and family members multiple times for which I really needed and for which I am so grateful. One was Debbie, a bereavement counselor who lost her husband and who has become a dear friend to Elizabeth over the years as she counseled E after losing her parents. Debbie came in and E was sleeping and the two of us talked and I sobbed. She held my heart so tenderly as she consoled me, affirmed me, empathized with me and pointed me to Christ. At the half way point, E woke and joined us and I sobbed and shared with the two of them. Then my wife leaned toward me and put a hand on my knee .... a hand of love and comfort. It was so good for me to get my thoughts, fears and sadness out to them both, especially to E. My heart completely melted amidst a backdrop of deep sadness.
So God, I don't get it. I hate that you are allowing this. I know your still good in my head and my signature is still on that blank check I signed over to you back in 1990. But dangit. My wife is not going to be there for me, for her kids, for all of us ... and soon. But thank you for my time with Debbie and E today and for E's time with Olivia this afternoon where they got to connect and snuggle in between meds induced sleep. Thank you for 15+ amazing years of sharing my life, my everything with this beautiful and amazing woman. Now help me and help my kids and help us all as we move into the excruciating hours and days ahead. We so need You. I so need You. Amen.
January 7, 2019
Thoughts, prayers, singing & laments from a hospice room,
10am -
I overheard a few workers here near the machine that pours you a free cup of coffee or hot chocolate. One of them was bemoaning the fact that lately he's needed to refill the hot chocolate bag way more than normal. My first thought was 'way to go Olivia, Quinn & Turner'. They have been here daily and hitting up that machine is part of their rhythm along with looting the snack cart whenever a volunteer brings it by. They also love the art cart too whenever it comes.
Some nights I'm spending here with her and some nights I'm at home including last night. When home, my mind and heart are with her here. Walking in this morning I was both excited to see her but also fearful to discover if more of her beautiful, witty, charming, funny & godly person has departed from us ... from me. Elizabeth is no longer fully with us. I have a love/hate relationship with these meds. She slept most of the day Friday and her few conscious moments found her incoherent at times and slow in her thinking and processing and speaking. So I asked the Doctor Saturday morning if we can scale back the meds in order to recover more of my amazing and treasured bride. That change was made and we might have recovered some of her for a few windows of two way interactions Saturday and yesterday. The flipside is that her discomfort and pain and nausea and restlessness increased as well. So we are in a daily assessment process of trying to find the right sweetspot of volume and timing of meds. I so miss normal Elizabeth. But I am soaking up every minute of partial E when she's awake and even sleeping E which is what I've experienced the past 90 minutes. I can still kiss her and hold her hand. The kids can still sit next to her on the bed. She is still smiling at us and telling us she loves us and she rallies at times to ask us questions and to make some funny facial expressions. Compared to the alternative, I will gladly embrace and treasure and connect with partial E. I am so going to miss her. We thank God for some meaningful and significant interactions we have had with her in recent days prior to her retreating from us. The Lord has orchestrated some closure moments that we all will treasure the rest of our lives.
The workers and aides and doctors and volunteers here are so great. But my non-rational side wants to explode on them at times as they go about fulfilling their roles as if this is just part of everyone's normal routines. I want to scream at them, "this is NOT normal. The average age of other patients is 80 but this woman is 46 ..... she has a 12 year old girl and and two 11 year old boys for heavens sake. DO NOT come in here and act like this is normal. DO NOT come in here and smile and banter with us as if all is well. ALL IS NOT WELL. I'm about to lose my wife and these kids are about to lose their MOM!" I choose not to scream these things. I choose not to require entrants into her room to tear their clothes and cover themselves with ashes. But its all just terribly devastating ..... and yet somehow God is holding us together ... holding me together. Somehow, in an unexplainable way I think and I am choosing to believe that His grace and presence will continue to hold us together and that somehow we are going to be ok. Somehow, He will see us through this tragic loss of my bride, of my kids' mom and of a friend to so many.
The doctor is forecasting a couple of weeks where the last week to ten days will find her mostly, if not entirely, asleep. I'm still praying for a miracle while planning for her homegoing.
10pm -
We had a meaningful time as a family and my Mom with Elizabeth tonight as our music pastor, Phil, led us in worshipping God through a few songs and read to us some of Psalm 22, honest lyrics where David yells at God about hard things that are happening to him. This gave us all both permission and encouragement to do the same with God. Elizabeth, slept through the songs but woke before we all left to connect with us and to even make a joke. She then, along with the kids, enjoyed petting some of the service dogs that were visiting patients.
Some verses from God's Revelation to us that have been helpful to my heart this day:
Psalm 116:1-2, 15
I love the Lord, because he has heard
my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me,
therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
..... Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his saints.
Psalm 56:3, 8
When I am afraid,
I put my trust in you.
.... You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
